Ripped from the Culture Pages

So, do you think you’ve had a bad day?

Chef found butchered in kitchen

I blame manmade global warming, actually. That is, if it already isn’t on the list.

But Copenhagen Police say the evidence suggests the man may have inflicted the stab wounds on himself.

‘We don’t know if it was an accident, a homicide or if the injuries were self-inflicted

Unless it was something else. Nice job narrowing it down, by the way, Coppers. At least the brilliant conclusions didn’t require humanity to recalibrate the stupid index.

Next week!: we bring you stories ripped from the pages of the society column. So don’t touch that dial!